“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
best review i’ve ever seen
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
you will never know the true number of layers
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.