judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Love is in the air fryer.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
There is no “we” in pizza
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.