I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
this chia pet tastes awful
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind