For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.