MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hello Twits.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating