I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.