The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
You Might Also Like
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically