We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
no such thing as a dumb question
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.