How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
this FaceApp is creepy af
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?