Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
canadian assassins are called killergrams