“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Jail
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.