Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“I FIXED IT!”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I cannot call her anything else now
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.