I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I think they could have phrased this better
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes