A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and