“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”