I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You Might Also Like
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *