Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality