[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not