Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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getting old is fun
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really