[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious