Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
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I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines