Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Running your mouth is not cardio.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.