Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH