Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
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When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song