Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography