MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW