Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
That’s amazing.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”