interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
when nothing goes right… go left