If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm