The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The struggle is real.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶