I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
It was worth a shot 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Today’s Times
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop