“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Buying a well is money well spent.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
How high do the levels go?
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar