Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.