If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything