If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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Good advice.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Not messing around
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Bond. Trauma bond.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree