there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???