YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.