Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.