“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me, flirting😏
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”