me: my friends:
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Am I having a stroke?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump