The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Choose your fighter