@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.