am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!