I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Grow up never but we old may grow we
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”