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when nothing goes right… go left
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*