People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.