Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.