I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.