me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My first son he is wonderful
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A friend helps you before you need it