asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password